The Beliefs We Carry..

These past couple of weeks, I’ve been working pretty actively on my self-esteem. I’ve tackled all of my problems and started to look at it’s roots. With this paradigm shift, I’ve noticed something particularly striking. Most of my life, I’ve been taking the things my family members say as true. There are obvious ways that we do this: Religion, Politics, etc.. But there are much more insidious ways this type of stuff creeps into your life. As a matter of fact, most of the things they said never crossed my mind as something to be thought about in the first place. I was so indoctrinated with their beliefs about a certain person, place or thing, that I didn’t realize I would avoid or judge people completely based on the fact that one of my family members has been saying it LITERALLY MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. I mean, here I was thinking religious people were stupid because they grew up to believe what their parents believed just because their parents believed it and I was doing exactly the same thing. Almost makes me feel like an exceptional moron. Almost.

I will give you an example. For years the Jetson family has despised one of the Jetson brothers, Alan. He seems to be the black sheep because he is a goody-two-shoes while the other Jetson’s are quite the opposite. The children of the Jetson family grow up thinking that Uncle Alan is a total whack job and to avoid him at all costs unless further instructed. Then, one day, Amy Jetson says, “Well hey. I talked to Alan the other day and he’s actually a pretty good guy. He’s a great dad, tries really hard to take care of his family, and truly loves all of us.” The whole family gasps in shock! “But…..Uncle Alan….is….well….UNCLE ALAN!” Yeah, that’s what happened to me. There I was, shown once again that I walked around with this belief without ever even realizing that I chose it.

Another realization came crashing down that fateful night, “I let my family walk all over me! Hello, I’m Doormat Jenson.” There have been these things in my life that I just allowed to happen. Anytime someone would ask me to do something, I would be like, “Exactly how would you like me to do that for you sire/madam and approximately when would you like me to complete that task?” When I was young, it got so bad that I’m pretty sure I freaked the hell out a few times and my family finally stopped treating me like a servant. Its always been an annoyance of mine but I had no idea that I was that person. The doormat person. UGH. Gross. If I really think about it, it’s led to others walking all over me too. “Friends” and the like. It’s nice to think that we only play that role with our family but, come on, we know better. Those habits bleed into the rest of our lives. I mean, now that I’ve realized all of it, I can finally let go of all that resentment I held for my family. I now understand the depths and the roots of my woes. No wonder I escaped with drugs, alcohol, and utter distaste for authority. I had been told what to do my whole life.

It’s interesting how one lesson can open the flood gates of knowledge in your life. The nice thing about it is that I was in a state-of-mind to accept these ugly truths and to move past them. They are things I cannot change now. I feel very hopeful and comfortable with what my future has to hold and changing the past is irrelevant. If anything, they give me a way to relate to people and I am able to grow into a wiser better human. So, thanks, family, for fucking me up real good. I’ll never run out of material.

I encourage you to take a serious look at the way you interact with your family members
  1. Do you enable them?
  2. Do you allow them to manipulate/guilt you into making decisions?
  3. Are you making your own way in the family? Or are you allowing others to decide for you like you did when you were a child?
These are the questions I had to ask myself but there is a different role for each child in the family. You should take a gander at the roles you played and use that knowledge to heal yourself.

All of these questions should be answered with great consideration. I am 25-years-old and to be honest, these realizations are a little overdue for me. However, I don’t think it’s healthy to jump the gun. Take a good look at the situations you partake in with your family. Remember, you are always part of that tango and it is essential to your growth as a human to look at your part. You are always playing a part and the longer you play the victim, the longer you are a background dancer on your own stage. Take a good hard look at yourself. First there is pain, then there is growth and understanding. It’s easier said than done. I take it one day at a time, TRULY. Baby steps.

Good rule of thumb- Be respectful.
And as I always say, avoid bathroom humor, swear words, and insults. *note to self*

With love,
-The Curvy Broke Girl

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