I’ve always had this fear that I was crazy. Like, what if I’m living in my own little world while everyone else is sentient and aware of their surroundings and I’m just this apathetic wiener? This was such a legitimate fear of mine that I allowed my ex-boyfriend to “gaslight” me for months because I truly felt that I was out of touch. I saw all of these women around me that chose to play the victim and was convinced that I was one of them and wanted to stay as far away from delusion as possible. So, I just assumed I was a crazy woman, and that was it. When people told me that I was wrong, I accepted that. I thought I was dumb, crazy, and paranoid.
And then I got my head out of my ass, and started following my intuitions. One pivotal moment, what encouraged me to question what was happening in my life and to truly consider if I was “paranoid” or if I had a reason to feel the way I did. When something made me feel badly or was weird, I trusted my intuition.
A few days ago, I was informed that I would be losing my position at work. For many, many reasons, this was a surprise but I was exceptionally upset for one reason only. Another person was taking my position and, all things considered, I was the one that should have kept the position but, I was the one losing my job. At first, I thought to myself, “oh it’s not that guys fault and I should just accept it” but throughout the week, I started to get increasingly more upset. I asked myself, “why was I thrown under the bus?” I was the better representative, did this other representative do some “insider trading” to ensure that he received the position? And I really started to think, and I acted. I expressed my discontent to both him and my supervisor as I felt that there was some foul play. Again, all things considered, that position should have stayed my position.
So, I reacted, and stood up for myself. I stated my case, wrote a calm and collected email to HR stating why I felt I was the better choice and after a couple of “disgruntled employee” days, I let it go. I let go of all control. I had none. I wanted to make sure that it was clear why I felt “slighted” and then I moved on. It was all a blessing in disguise for a few reasons:
- I had to take a look at why my supervisor would choose this representative over me. I had to seriously consider what character defects led to me not getting the position.
- I had to look at what I would do if I was put in a similar situation once again. Would I take it straight to HR and go completely over my supervisors head? Probably, yes.
- Take less time “getting over it.” I didn’t have much control.
What I would do the same:
- Stand up for myself. I deserved that position and I knew I did. No one had to confirm that for me.
- Tell my supervisor that he always reminded me of “a lesbian Voldemort” and to kick him in the dick
- Be my fucking fabulous, sexy self.
- Let it go.
-The Curvy Broke Girl