Last night, I was having a moment. I felt so out of place in my skin and I needed someone to just give me some outside perspective. I asked my friend, “Is there something that I’m doing? Why do I feel like I can never say or do the right thing? Why am I so concerned with what these people think of me?” To give perspective, I have been having a hard time getting along with the people I see every day. It was never a problem before, and prior to that, I got compliments on my work and my peers enjoyed having me around. This situation has been so different, that I thought for sure I was just being a major ***** and just had no idea. After talking with this friend, I realized I was asking this friend to validate me. That’s what I was doing. Instead of asking all of those questions, what I really should have said was, “Is it okay to be me?”
The hard thing to really stomach about that question, was that I had to ask someone else. No one should have that power over me, ever. I should never have to ask for permission from someone to be the person I want to be. We are all flawed people and in the end, we are often the blind leading the blind. For one reason or another, I haven’t been receiving enough validation in my life, and although it is really a tough question to seek out from someone else, I’m glad I seeked an answer from someone that I have grown to respect and feel close to. He told me that I didn’t have to be liked by anyone and that these people had no right to make me feel this way. There was nothing wrong with me. It was up to me to say, “Fuck em.” He quickly followed with, “Well, you know, be respectful but never allow them to make you feel badly.” And later, he left me with this gem, “I see you. Let other people see you.”
“Let people see you”
This hit really close to home. I have been worried for so much of my adult life. Being me was too much for people. I was either too crass, or too stupid, or too loud, or too conceited. All of those things run through my mind when I am having a conversation with someone and it often just leaves me saying things that are “safe” and well, predictable. I was so afraid of being myself that I just tried to be what I thought everyone else would like. In the end, all that happened was me feeling isolated and fake. I would talk to people that I could be candid with every once in a while, but never enough to leave feeling, full and happy. As a matter of fact, it probably left that person feeling like they needed to clean the word vomit off of their shirt. I need to let people see me more often.
If there is a God, he sure put this friend in my path at the right time and I heard those words that I needed to hear. So, lesson learned. I will be respectful of others. I will do my best to be kind to them. But I will not adjust my personality to suit theirs and I certainly will make a point to always give myself the love and validation I need. Even moreso, I will seek others, that validate who I am as a person and let the individuals that don’t, take a hike. I will be unapologetic about my life. I’m taking steps to improve self-esteem.
The Curvy Broke Girl