I never realized how nice everyone is to me. Well, I guess I should say, I never realized how nice everyone is to my face. I’ve always known that there were people out there that didn’t like me, but they never told me to my face. This is a little worse, actually. At least when someone is upfront about it, you are aware. Some people are just haters, though. That’s how the cookie crumbles.
Today, I was sitting by myself, beginning to work on a “to-do” list, when, out of nowhere, this dude I see all of the time, approaches me. He starts talking to me, and it’s pretty clear that he’s doing it out of supposed obligation or he just wants to fuck me. Maybe somewhere in the middle? Not sure. He was kind of mean at first, pretty intimidating, and out of nowhere he says, “See, I don’t even really like you.” And, for some reason, that hit me like a ton of bricks.
It was clear to me, prior to us speaking, that he didn’t like me. I knew by the way his body language changed when I came around. He also became incredibly quiet around me, which is something i’m acutely aware of. My social anxiety has made me aware of small changes in body language and tone when entering a room. However, I was so intrigued by his honesty, that I didn’t even care. I was so happy that someone honestly disliked me over dishonestly “liking” me, that the negative reaction I should have had, was replaced with an inquisitive attitude instead.
I knew that someone honestly disliking me meant growth.
I knew that someone saying, “Hey, you’re a fucking asshole” was much more growth inducing than someone stroking my ego and telling me, “Wow, you’re so pretty and….pretty…..bitch…” Now, I am a true believer that there is a time and place for honesty. That is why you allow people in your life that are fucking real with you. That is also why, you keep those positive friends around but drop those fake girls with reckless abandon.
I can’t tell you how to live your life but I can tell you that you need someone that keeps it real with you. Funny enough, as I inquired about why this individual didn’t like me, he told me some things that revealed more about him than they ever did about me.
He began with, “Well, I didn’t take you seriously.” and I replied with, “Fair enough. I can see why you would feel that way.” Next, he said, “I knew, we weren’t the same kind of person. We would never normally be friends.” Which, translated, meant, “If we didn’t have ‘problems’, we would never speak.” There were a couple of reasons after that but they weren’t notable. I don’t remember them. What I did hear was, he judged me, sized me up, and assumed that I would do the same. There was no point to reaching out to me because, in his mind, I was a waste of time. There is a part of me that knows I was waiting for him to say, “I hate you for that thing that you’re really insecure about and it’s way fucking obvious and stop being stupid.” All he really said, without saying it was, “I was insecure, I made assumptions, so I decided not to like you.”
After that, I did the thing that I knew he would loathe me for. I asked him for his number. He holds a leadership position in our place of worship, and I know he’s going to be critical of me when no one else is and he’s not going to let me charm my way out of responsibility. He’s going to keep me real when I wanna get “fluffy.” I can’t quite explain the feeling that I had when he started talking to me. It was like, “Hey. I know why you’re really here. You need to stop the shit, and get real.” I encourage you to find that person in your life, start seeking out places of growth and people that keep it real with you.
I’ll never forget what it felt like when someone said, “I don’t even really like you” and all I did, was pull up a seat, and sat patiently waiting for someone to get real with me.
-The Curvy Broke Girl