If you know me well, you know that I have struggled with drugs and alcohol throughout most of my teens and young adulthood. I have never considered myself to be an alcoholic. “What I do is normal” I used to think to myself. Well, it was actually completely abnormal. Looking back now, I can’t possibly see why no red flags were raised in my mind. Besides underage drinking, I’ve had plenty of run-ins with the law that resulted in fines and time being soaked up by rehabilitation programs. I have actually stood in a courthouse, in front of a judge, because of my irresponsibility and total apathy for my future. I was never in a rehabilitation home, but I have certainly sat in my fair share of “classes” about how to not be an asshole.
My cousin asked me to come with him to AA as support. I’m not even really sure that I was there to support him or that he actually thought I could DO something like that. But, I went with him, and I had an eye-opening experience. I was in love with the raw, unfiltered surrender that the AA meeting was. Despite being completely moved by the meeting, I came sporadically until I broke up with my boyfriend and decided that I needed to radically change my life and put all of my change onto paper.
I have gone two nights in a row and haven’t drank or smoke anything in those two nights. That sounds really dumb coming out of my mouth but it actually is really awesome that I am going through a break-up and I am deciding to write about my feelings instead of drinking a bunch of wine. I will continue to go for as long as I see fit. I feel warm and fuzzy when I go. I feel like, “Hey, I might be a little fucking uncomfortable sharing this shit about myself but I really want to grow and I really want to radically change.”
I encourage people that feel alone, hopeless, suicidal, angry, or any other negative emotion to A) talk to me, and B) go to a fucking meeting. I mean, even if you don’t have those issues, it might be good for you to be around people that are trying to make themselves better. Every person that spoke tonight inspired me and gave me hope that I too, could be a normal, happy, well-adjusted member of society. Also, there are crisis lines. Please call them. I have called a crisis line once and it did offer relief.