For many, many moons I have lusted after boys that I thought were out of my league. When I was little, I was chubby. Most boys just weren’t into that. It wasn’t until my adult years that I began to realize boys were starting to see me as attractive. I remember getting attention from boys when I slimmed down and lost the braces, and I suddenly wasn’t invisible anymore. I felt so many emotions…..
- Wow. This is what it’s like to get attention
- I can’t believe I’ve lived without this my whole life
- I am so pissed I missed out on this
- What do I do with my hands?!?!
- I am going to soak this up forever and ever
- Will I always feel ugly
Yup. All of those feelings simultaneously bumped around in my head. I was so stoked to be hot. Oh my God. Finally. But also, I still feel like the ugly, invisible girl. I literally have no idea how to handle the attention and I feel completely unworthy of it. It was also completely terrifying that I had lived without it my whole life. Like, people actually listened to me before I proved myself. They were also more likely to agree with me and treat me nicely. I was usually warmly welcomed. This is what it’s like? Motherfucker.
I became very aware of the way people treated me. After all, I had the choice now. I knew what I had to do to be treated like a “special person.” I noticed the way that I wouldn’t get smiled at as often if I looked like I “rolled out of bed” when I went to Walmart. Also, FORGET about not wearing make-up and probably forget about going to Walmart too. I needed to wear my hot-girl disguise at all times. It’s still something I struggle with. The only time I don’t wear make-up is to the gym.
After a while, I got used to being attractive. I stopped noticing that I would get more attention when in a large group of men. I stopped noticing that people would just give me things or laugh at my jokes or “spot me” just this once. However, I never once felt like the hot girl. EVER. I felt my attention was conditional. I have always felt that people who liked me wouldn’t like me if they really knew. Also, it was attention, not respect. It would take me a very long time to realize the difference.
If I reflect back, I don’t really feel like the “ugly duckling” that developed a personality and got good grades, either. Because, well, grades weren’t important to me when I was young. I just wanted to smoke weed and do acid. Like, school is just a place to gather with friends so we can leave and get high somewhere else. It’s crazy to me that the person I am today was forming back then because I was so different. I don’t really get how I managed to pull myself together. It really seems so chaotic, to be honest. How did such a messy individual manage to gather herself and get her stuff together so that she could finally make a difference in the world and help other girls like her? When I think about how I could help younger girls that were like me or that could identify with my experience, the last thing I want to do is be like, “Do a bunch of drugs, and hopefully you’ll come out on top.” That is certainly, never something I would recommend. I know so many girls that did not come out on top of that. With that being said, don’t rest on the fact that someone else was able to do it. It’s honestly a miracle that I didn’t die at some point.
I wish I could give little me a hug. She’d probably piss me off though. For real, shut your dumb mouth, old self.
I remember the first time I got to make out with the guy I never thought I could have. I added him on Myspace and I don’t really think he knew who I was. But me? Yeah, I knew WHO-THE-FUCK he was. I was obsessed with him in high school. He was one of those blonde, skater brats that smoked weed and couldn’t see out of either eye because his hair was too busy being sexy and in his face. I kid you not, you couldn’t see both of his eyes at any one time. He was the one in high school and I got to make-out with him.
I also remember being completely invisible to him before that. He legitimately didn’t know who I was until we met that day. Which is crazy to me because we had Chemistry together every other day. I remember what it was like to be completely irrelevant in high school. Like, my existence wasn’t even on my radar much less other people’s radar. My social anxiety was horrible in high school. I remember going through a period where I wasn’t able to make eye-contact with people. That phase didn’t last very long but I can honestly say I know what it feels like to have truly horrible social anxiety. I was so nervous and it definitely affected my grades. All of this was because I was overweight. My grades suffered, my self-esteem was nonexistent, and my mental health was put on the back burner because I was fat.
After I “got hot” I still shot pretty low. I had horrible self-esteem and no loser was loser-y enough. I was just happy that anyone looked my way. Oy. Slowly but surely, I started to see the light. I was on a journey that was hard and painful. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. From what I remember, I was so eager to be accepted as attractive that any guy would do. I mean, as long as he had clean teeth and wasn’t an idiot, I was down. It didn’t matter that he didn’t treat me with respect and love. I didn’t know how to look for it and I certainly did not know how to ask for it.
Sometimes I still have to ask myself, “Do I like him because he’s what I actually want and deserve? Or do I like him because he’s easy?”
I still struggle with asking for what I want or going after the guys I really want. I still place them on a pedestal but writing like this helps to me understand why I sabotage myself and how exactly I do that. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of having a sexy, successful boyfriend. That is why I have had to draw a line in the sand. I told myself that I will never again settle for the man that is in my bed. I will let the person I am dating know that I have expectations of the man I am with. If he does not feel that I am worth that, it is better that he let me know in the beginning rather than down the line when sex and feelings are involved. Stop feeling guilty about asking for the things you want, self.
-The Curvy Broke Girl