It’s the truth.
Up until getting sober, I had never had sex (for the first time) with someone while I was sober. I had always been inebriated.
I had never noticed this until after I got sober but was quickly overcome with panic when I realized what exactly that meant for me- I would need to have sex with someone and I wouldn’t have my liquid courage. I would no longer have that buffer. I would no longer have that thing that anesthetize me when I was too self-conscious to get naked in front of another person. I had no other choice but to be awake when I had sex with someone for the first time.
I have been having sex for five years. In those five years, I cannot honestly say that I “made love” to any of them. When people would talk about making love, I just didn’t quite vibe with them. Looking into the person’s eyes, exploring their body, etc… I didn’t get it. It’s such a shame really. I feel bad for us- me and that other person. They didn’t get a woman that was present. They got a woman that was a little tipsy, overly cautious, and insecure.
A huge part of not experiencing true closeness during sex is my inability to relax while I am naked. I have built so many walls and required so much from myself (“I must be shaved, lotioned, and lathered. I have to appear to be perfect”) that it was hard to even enjoy sex because of the anxiety around not being prepared. No wonder I had to have a fucking buffer to take the edge off.
This self-hate was medicated and ignored with the help of my good ol’ pal, Alcohol.
Actually, it’s safer to blame my self-hate for my alcohol problems. Self-loathing kept me from connecting, and alcohol was my solution for that. I could do anything if you gave me enough alcohol. I remember someone saying once, “My first ‘spiritual’ experience was anything but spirit. Rather it was the first time I got drunk, at 12.” I can relate to that. I guess what happened was me having so much frustration, and no control. I felt fat, ugly, and unwanted. Alcohol seemed like a solution to me in a dynamic way, “This will solve all of my problems.”
When presented with the option of having sex, there was no way that insecure girl would get naked, show her cellulite, stretch marks and jiggly bits to someone without alcohol. I would continue to use alcohol as a solution for my self-hate. When the voices in my head were too loud, I would shut them up with alcohol. What I didn’t know is that I was cutting myself off from the sweetest part of sex, the connection.
Then, I got sober.
Now that I have been sober for eight months, I have clarity and a connection to something greater than me and that belief helps to guide me through the wreckage of my past. Now, instead of relying on alcohol to buffer those anxious situations, I rest on my connection to something greater than me.
Sexual experiences as a sober person?
Picture it, me with a gorgeous man that I have an awesome connection with—-
Things start getting real, we start getting into it and BOOM- anxiety. Here’s the thing, because of my sobriety and this pursuance of peace and zen, the anxiety is no longer something I am comfortable with. So, when I felt it, it hit me like a train and so did all of the other things I needed to learn in that moment.
This was the first time I would have sex as a conscious person.
After a long night with this man, I realized that I was not going into sex as a woman that has experience. I was going in as a virgin. For the first time, I was experiencing sex as a person that is awake. For the first time, I wouldn’t be able to ignore that I was sharing myself with someone and that it actually was a big deal. I wasn’t able to recoil from those serious questions with, “oh yeah, well I was so drunk!” or whatever. I had a connection with someone, I liked him alot, he liked me alot, and we were about to embrace one another in a way that I had never experienced. It actually was serious.
So, I did it. I had sex with someone I consider to be one of my best friends. We jokingly refer to our sex as “Chakra Sex” because of how intimate it felt. It was natural and we were awake for every moment of it.
I won’t go into anymore detail out of privacy and respect for my partner. What I will say is that sober sex is worth it. I went through a lot to be sober. I faced many demons, and the sheer anxiety of having to face sex as someone without anesthetic was exhausting. In fact, I would talk myself out of it regularly. I swore to be celibate just to avoid it. But all of that was worth it. I feel a lot of gratitude to be able to experience something like this and nothing good comes easy. If you’re wondering if you need to get sober, and you vibe with the things i’m saying, know that the journey is worth it.
Lastly, I wish I could tell my old self to look for a relationship like the one I’m currently in. One where you don’t need to be anesthetized to enjoy it. I used to look puzzled when someone told me they “made love.” Today, I know something different. I know what it’s like to enhance a connection you have with someone by having sex with them. So, if you’re looking for someone to tell you there is more out there for you, here it is- There is something more and it’s fucking rad. Don’t settle for less.
The Curvy Broke Girl