I have a superpower, did you know?
It’s called closing-my-eyes-and-vividly-imagining-things-that-don’t-exist-or-at-least-not-yet-anyways-and-having-those-images-impact-my-psyche-deeply
In other words, I see scenarios in my mind. They are often so deeply felt that they become a weird part of my life and I remember them forever, pretty much. I often have these “visions” while laying down meditating and allowing my mind to wander. There have been times where I would imagine mundane things and they wouldn’t be memorable. However, there would often be times where I would see something so moving that I would cry.
As these “waking dreams” began to happen more and more, I felt that I needed to pay attention to them and really try to figure out exactly what it was I was experiencing and if there was something to pursue here. So, I looked into meditation. It was always after achieving this exceptionally relaxed state of mind that I began to have these visceral illusions that would strike me as incredibly extraordinary. I knew it was tied to this practice of meditation I had become so regular about.
That’s when I found Transcendental Meditation. I talked myself into giving T.M. a try and boy am I glad I did. That is where I met Natalia, my very own “Sasha Fierce.” Sasha is my alternate ego. She is everything that I have the potential to be but am somehow only able to channel her while in a deep meditation. She was me, in every way shape and form but she owned all of it. The jiggles, the soft belly, the large, wide hips, the flowing hair, and the men. She was sexually aggressive but in a very confident way. Natalia appeared to me just a few weeks before I was meant to have sex for the first time in sobriety.
Sex has always been a source of anxiety for me. My body was large, stretch-marked, and had cellulite. I waited to have sex until I was 20-years-old for this very reason. I felt disgusting with clothes on much less without them. I told people I was a virgin for “chaste” reasons which was a lie of omission rather than an boldfaced one. I used alcohol and drugs to lubricate these anxious experiences. I didn’t know that Natalia existed in me yet. I didn’t know I needed Natalia, and I certainly had no idea she would be what I aspired to when I found sexuality in sobriety.
So, there I am, in a deep, relaxing meditation, and suddenly a “vision” of sorts appears to me. She is tall (like me) voluptuous (like me) she is dressed in a silky, red robe that lightly drapes around her shoulders, and she is completely naked underneath. She is in a gorgeous, opulent, sex-den of sorts. She has two incredible men in her bed waiting for her while the fireplace roars in the background.
If the scene wasn’t enough to get my attention, “Natalia’s” demeanor was. She stood with confidence, almost as if she was the ruler and these men were her concubines. She was self-assured, not arrogant. I imagine, if she spoke, she would speak in brief but direct sentences. She wouldn’t repeat herself, she certainly would not be talked-over, and she would never say “Well, I dunno.” She was the lion in this den. Afterwards, the scene was a little more x-rated. I won’t go in to much detail but I will say, those men drank her like she was water.
After having this “vision” I haven’t been able to get her out of my head. It’s hard for me to shake the feeling that I was meant to see Natalia for a reason. It’s almost as if my unconscious decided to craft an elaborate scene for me, to answer the questions I had about myself, and to hush the insecurities that boil up inside of me.
So the question is, what did I learn from seeing my highest-sexual-self, Natalia?
I learned that I am connected to my body no matter how much I hate it sometimes.
I learned that my body is beautiful because I am “Natalia” and I, without a doubt, find Natalia stunning.
I learned that my sexual dominance is not something to “hush.”
I learned that self-assuredness comes from within and can be cultivated by giving it light.
I learned that allowing others to talk over me, to over-explain myself, or doubt the words that come out of my mouth is dishonorable to my highest-self. If I choose to speak the words, I have the right to say them.
I learned that my body can and should be drunk by the men that I choose to have sex with.
I learned that sex is most enjoyable when a woman is in love with herself.
To say that these are the only lessons I learned from Natalia would be selling her short. She came to me at a time of need and she has served me in many, small ways ever since.
How can you do this in your life?
Step 1. Meditate- Get in a calmer state of mind. A busy mind will have a harder time creating.
Step 2. Put a sexy song on- That song you like to fuck to? Or the one that makes you super horny? Put that one on.
Step 3. Set the scene- Are you having sex in a Bugatti? or out in the woods? At home in your bedroom? or in the bathroom at your step-mom’s birthday party? Whatever floats your boat, dude.
Step 4. Imagine yourself as you look now (ESSENTIAL. YOU CAN AND SHOULD BE AMAZING NOW). What are you wearing (or lack-thereof)?
Step 5. Imagine yourself brimming with sexual confidence. What does that mean to you? This is your highest-self, she doesn’t have limitations. Get creative.
Step 6. Imagine yourself with the sexual partner that is your ideal. You are unwaveringly confident in your ability to land that dude. “I mean, obviously, he’s my sex slave. HAVE YOU SEEN ME?! I’d be my sex slave.”
Step 7. The rest is really up to you. Like, get creative.
Step 8. Channel your inner beast-mode when you need her.
I hope you enjoy your highest-self every day. Channel that motherfucker until the two of you become ONE.
The Curvy Broke Girl